Asking for Help: My Failed Volunteer Experience

I have spent years working with a variety of people in different capacities. I’ve been blown away by someone’s sharp-wittedness, by another’s vast knowledge, by yet another’s seemingly endless supply of goodwill. On the other side, I’ve witnessed neurotic, manipulative, and inexplicable behavior–ill-intentioned, harmful, and demoralizing. It’s why leadership is difficult, and why I see it as primarily a psychological endeavor. But I’ve had the pleasure of working with incredible leaders who understand that fear isn’t just the only lever one can pull to motivate groups of people to work on their behalf. They know that positive forces like loyalty, values alignment, etc. helps people forge bonds in today’s highly-connected, global world.

A while ago, I joined an organization as a new volunteer. I felt the usual strain of working with new people with no background knowledge. So, the version of myself that shows up to the work is listening intently. I try to perceive without judgment and to be polite in conversation. But over the course of a few short weeks, I realized my initial impressions were right and I’d made a big mistake.

The organization had a select few officers who lead different areas, and the office in charge of my position was…well, odd.

• Incident #1: My first impression of Mike (name changed) during our interviews was that of a mostly well-intentioned but unpolished man. Seasoned leaders in global roles often have this “polishing” I refer to, an acute awareness of the right/wrong things to say. But presence or lack of it does not necessarily correlate with ability, so I remained open. He mentioned a couple of times that I was probably smarter than him. I love a good self-deprecating joke, so I didn’t think much of it at the time. However, in later meetings, I was introduced to a large group as a “Harvard graduate with an English degree” with the same joke, and I started to become uncomfortable.
  
  
• Incident #2: In my first board meeting with other leaders, Mike was talking and referred to another woman outside of her name. Something like calling someone Sally instead of Sandra. The other woman promptly spoke up and told Mike what her correct name was. That would have been fine (I wouldn’t have thought much more about it), except then Mike said that it was a joke. The woman, and likely the rest of us, knew full well it was not a joke. Furthermore, I find it to be extremely bad taste to joke about someone’s name, especially as those with uncommon names have already endured a lifetime of mispronunciation. I was disappointed.
  
  
• Incident #3: Mike asked me to complete my first assignments. I was not given a specific deadline or parameters, so I worked on it on my schedule, aiming to turn around in a few days. Apparently I was taking too long, as I later saw that Mike completed the assignment without any direct communication with me. Okay, so I’m learning about how Mike works. I will try again. For the next assignment, I ask for a deadline. I do not get an answer.
  
  
• Incident #4: I tried to work more quickly given prior events. I spent hours on an assignment and let Mike know it was ready. It never got delivered. At this point, I’m frustrated, annoyed, and thinking that this is too much when I’m not getting paid for it. I let Mike know that I was disappointed in how this went down, and would like to discuss. I didn’t get a reply but yet I did get a response to another trivial email.
  
  
• Incident #5: Mike sent out a message to our entire membership without proofreading it. I can’t wrap my mind around this. Even if Michelle Obama sent me a note, I would still read it before I sent it. But that is because if my name is on something, I am going to try to make sure it is good. Always.

These events happened over a relatively short amount of time. Puzzling over whether I was witnessing gaslighting or incompetence, I knew I still had a problem. My next step would have been to find a way to call or meet in person to hash out what I saw as extreme inefficiency. But it was clear that my way of working was likely incompatible with Mike’s. If I were getting paid for it or saw some key non-monetary benefit, I would have stayed and directly addressed my issues. However, I was trying to use volunteership as a source of stress relief, not thrills. So I decided to resign.

This experience reiterated some foundational beliefs I have about managing complex work streams and leading people effectively to complete a body of work. 

I’ve worked hard over the last few years to get better at leadership, particularly the people aspect. It’s been a long journey full of mistakes that helped me learn. What I know without hesitation is: Incompetent leaders cannot lead. Full stop. Period. Delegation skills are vital. Full stop. Period. 

The best of us lost some footing in the wake of the Covid pandemic. I myself have slipped and continue to operate at a level somewhat below previous levels of performance. It just is. However, it is the onus of a leader to make sure that their people are set up for success and for the soft skills to be present. Communication, delegation, clear expectation setting. New people often want to impress…use that energy, don’t squander it. And if you’re overwhelmed, ask for help. Assess. Because doing many things poorly is worse than things not getting done. If we can’t have a standard, what are we even doing working?